Living with Grief
Living with Grief & Helping Friends Who are Hurting
From Kristin…
If you are familiar with grief or trauma, you know the ways that anniversary sneaks up. And you’ve probably noticed that your body will react before your brain even took note of that date coming on the calendar.
For me, that happens in February.
It was four years ago this month when we lost my husband’s twin sister, deeply loved by so many. That was also the start of a strange and staggering year of loss and pain. We have largely recovered from the heap pile of traumas we navigated in 2016, but then February rolls around. And it starts again.
I’ve noticed each year since that my body remembers what my mind doesn’t. I don’t quite feel myself. I am irritable, emotional, or unfairly critical. Maybe I’m draggy, foggy, or oddly sleepy. And it never makes sense -- until I notice the calendar.
Recently I was chatting with a woman whose husband passed away 21 years ago last month, and she recalled the same. Even now, her body signals the approaching anniversary of loss before she realizes that date is coming soon, usually a week or so away.
As my friend and k12prWell collaborator, Shawn McKillop, once said to me, “The mind doesn’t always remember, but the body never forgets.” My professional therapist calls this the body’s wisdom -- that our body will show us what it needs, without fail -- often well before our brain even catches on.
Understanding this is key, whether you have a personal experience of grief, or because you know someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one or other trauma. These painful anniversaries that knock us down, year after year, are seasons. And this is good news -- and reason for hope.
After all, nature’s seasons last for awhile, but they always end. And the transition of seasons requires adjustment -- of clothing, meals, routines, rituals. Both of these facts point the way forward for anyone who is hurting from loss, trauma, or grief.
With a nudge from my therapist, I’ve made a list of what feels good or nurturing during this difficult season. And I’m intentionally returning to it as often as I feel off, or out of sorts. Here are some adjustments I’m making during this season and that I will repeat when future painful seasons come:
Slow down, reducing unnecessary commitments and lowering (my typically too-high) expectations.
Pray, read, and doodle more.
Carefully limit the inputs and outputs of social media.
Put exercise and activity goals (and related Apple Watch reminders) on hold.
Enjoy meals with my family a bit more, homemade or not.
Allow tears and laughter equal space and time, without trying to understand.
Day by day, I am making peace with the painful anniversary that has continued to surprise me. And guided by my body’s unfailing wisdom, I am making peace with the unexplained fluctuations in mood and energy. With the days that feel completely upbeat until suddenly and without warning I need to stop, close my eyes, and be very still until I feel myself again. And with the certain knowledge that this season will also pass with time.
If grief is hovering in your life right now, or you expect it will be soon, please know that you’re in good company. Reach out to me any time if you need
And if you have a friend or loved one going through grief, trauma, or an anniversary of either, you have the power to make a caring difference to him or her. I’ll put together some tips on this soon, but here’s a great article that can help get you started off in the right direction.
Hey TSPRA! See you in Austin!
Big shout-out to all our TSPRA friends! We can't wait to learn and share with you NEXT WEEK!
Join us for our session, Wellness in School PR: Why, How & Now on Wednesday, 10:45-11:45 a.m., in Room 206. We've been working on brand new content, including insight from mental health professionals and strategies you can use right away to protect your own wellness in the high-performance job of school PR.
Inside and out of the session, we are counting down the days until we are there to catch up you!
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